Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
