glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he was CRYING into my vagina
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
