are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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