I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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