hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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