I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
