there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
