Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
