i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
