im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
