My liver just broke up with me...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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