My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Randomize
