Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
