i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
