Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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