Betty ford says i'm here all night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
