Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
