dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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