normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
