I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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