Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
