Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
