Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
