Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
