If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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