His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
