Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
