I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
