so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
