Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
