They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
