I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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