I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
