not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
