i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
