sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
