did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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