Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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