I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
