if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
