Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
