Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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