You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
