I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
