so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
