I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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