Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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