Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Mom said you looked used
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
