thanks...oh and i got my period
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom