batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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