i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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