They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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