he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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