He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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