Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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