Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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