his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
