Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
