God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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